Tag: Life

Ode to Bast

Sebastian, my love. Here’s to 18.

For the past few days I have been searching through my photos looking for the perfect pics to celebrate your life. Snapshots of the mundane. Captures from all the moments, big and small.

9,520.

That’s the number of photos that google says I have of you. That’s a lot of pictures. I don’t often let myself wander back through that many years of pictures because it always breaks my heart to see your little pudgy cheeks, your twinkling eyes, all bright and shiny, and fully of mischievousness. But just this once, for this occasion, I let myself linger on your sweetness. I filtered out all the other photos that I have backed up over the years and narrowed it down to only the 9,520 that highlight the 18 years of your childhood…and I bawled like a baby.

So here’s to you, my little dumpling. From the moment you were born, I looked into your face and knew you were mine. I saw my face and the face of my family in your face. That was a first. And your big name seemed absurd for such a tiny little boy. But soon enough, your personality came blazing through and there wasn’t a name big enough or strong enough to capture you.

Take my hand and walk with me though birthdays’ past.

Sebastians 1st Birthday
Sebastian’s 2nd Birthday

By the time you were two, you were already running the show. You were rowdy, and silly, and everyone who met you was smitten. Your eyes would squint unevenly when you were really happy and you were always dancing and rocking out on your “Tar.” Somethings never change!

Here’s to you, you musician in the making!

Haircut before Sebastian’s 3rd Birthday.
Snow Storm just before Sebastian’s 4th birthday: 22 inches of snow in Chicago!
Cake says it all!

Before we knew it, you were 5. No one was better at jumping, spinning, kicking, and ninja-ing around Home Depot with Elias than you! You have always had the best moves: dancing like no one was watching, throwing lasers, and giving the very best hugs.

Here’s to you, you stealthy snuggler!

6th Birthday Fun at Toys R Us.

Your creativity has been a mainstay. It is hardwired in you. I have always said that creativity was oozing out of you all over the place, which is why you have always been such a messy-tessy! From drawing, to dancing, to making costumes, to learning 7,001 instruments…you are an artist and have been from very early on.

Here’s to you, you Jack-of-all-Trades and Master of the Moment!

Family Birthday dinner for Sebastian’s 7th!
Minions party with at Laser Tag for Sebastian’s 8th
Legoland with family for your 9th birthday.
Surprise birthday for your 10th: Bowling and movies with your friends and family!

Every year has seen you grow and change. But so many things have stayed true through all these years…you are a super loyal friend. Through thick and thin, you always had your friends’ backs.

Here’s to you, you friend of all friends.

BIG LOTS & Snow Cones for Sebastian’s 11th. IYKYK!
12th birthday family dinner at Olive Garden.
13th birthdays are for Chick Fil A!

And then there was 13! You took moving like a champ and those first couple of years in Texas were not the easiest. But 2020 rolled around and the future was looking bright. It was the year of the 13…and also the year the world shut down. Parties were planned and then cancelled and in honor of the shift in the space-time continuum that WAS you turning 13, a global pandemic broke out. It was a big disappointment having to put off and then put down all our big plans for your 13th Manhood celebration, but look on the bright side, we got months of hanging out, making tiktoks, watching TV until our eyes bled, and eating all kinds of junk food and lots and lots and lots of obsti-courses, but most of all, extra time with you! Party or not, you came barreling into your teens with a force all your own.

Here’s to you and the way you make every milestone memorable!

14th birthday…masked up creative car shot!
15th family dinner.
Sebastian’s 16th and all smiles with tiramisu.
Sweet 17 hot pot and a coupon book for the ages.

Trips to see your favorite bands and learning who you want to be as a man have been the most fun and rewarding parts of the last few years. From that little baby obsessed with Little Einsteins and Imagination Movers, to a young man with incredible taste and appreciation for all kinds of music, to a real artist who loves learning and playing music of your own. You have such a beautiful heart that feels deeply and lets it pour out through melodies. But probably the most amazing thing is seeing your love for God grow into a life of worship. Your life is a beautiful song that is being played out in worship of your creator. It is rich, and complex, and has the most interesting progression. Like the most satisfying of songs, just when you expect the chords to take you one place, unexpectedly they take you to a whole new place. You have the ability to transform any space of ordinary moments into orchestrated masterpieces, and I am so very lucky to be sitting in the best seats in the house.

Here’s to you and the music you make with your life.

Blowing out your 18 candles at your “surprise” 18th to kick off your birthday week.

And now, at the end of this day of your 18th birthday, it is only fitting, that I end this ode with another stanza to your song. I know you’ll know the melody in your heart. 

Goodnight, sleep tight, my grown up one;
The wait is finally done.
Goodnight sleep tight, you've made it through,
We're so proud of you.

Oh precious son, it's been a joy
to hold your hand as a boy;
Now take a leap, and spread your wings,
but don't forget this one thing:

Your mommy and daddy
will always be here
To cheer you through battles
And sharpen your spears.
So don't fret my darling,
although you are grown.
Wherever we are,
is always your home.

Our love for you will never die,
Just look up to the sky.
Our God above has given thee
To love eternally.

I love you, Badgie Bear. Happy 18th.

life is a highway

03.07.2003

It’s an incredible thing. Life. It’s incredible. No amount of conversation or education can adequately prepare you. It happens. Moment after moment. Day after day. Year after year. There isn’t a rule book, and don’t ever let anyone tell you there is. It just isn’t true. There are no rules, just a rush of happenings that you soak in, wade through, and figure out as you go along. And every so often, you think about where you are and how you got here….and it will take your breath away if you let it. Because it’s incredible.

On a cold Friday morning in March, I went into an Omaha hospital eager to meet this new little human that was coming into the world. I had so many thoughts about how that would go and had prepared as much as I could for a thing I knew nothing about. But it is a humbling and honest statement to say that nothing can prepare you for what it means to birth a child except actually birthing a child. A few hours of the craziest mash-up of nature, and support, and hard, exhausting work and a new soul entered the world.

I can remember reading a verse around the time that Elias was born that said of Jesus, that he grew in wisdom, and stature, and in favor with God and man (Luke 2:52). I remember distinctly thinking that was such a simple phrase, but that it was somewhat of an outline. All that I longed for in my son was that somehow, some way, he would also grow in wisdom, and in stature, and in favor with God and man.

At the time, I thought it was my directive as a mother. Somewhere along the way, though, I realized that even though I was his mother, he was a person responsible for his own growth. We could teach him, but it would be he who would have to find the courage to apply it where needed. We could show him how to live in community with others, but he would have to sift through his relationships and take the good or rise above the bad. He would have to be a man of his word. He alone would cross the bridges he built with others or climb the clefts of bridges burned. And ultimately his relationship with God would be his, and his alone.

My son, in the 18 years since you changed my world, you have forever changed the lives of so many more. You have been enthusiastic and open-minded and asked great questions. You have been a loyal and true friend. You have been brave. You have found inner grit and determination. You have loved your younger brothers fiercely and wildly. You are passionate and witty and kind and exude the kind of openness that makes you light and attractive. You are a whole soul who has put real and honest thought into what you value and who you are. You are a stand-out human that Dad and I are infintely in awe that we didn’t somehow royally mess up.

If I have anything to offer you as you turn this page in your jouney it is this: pay attention to where you are and look at where you were. Life is strange and amazing and things will never happen as quickly as you want them to but also much faster than you will ever expect. So take stock. Remember that there are no rule books, only lessons to learn and decisions to make. Own your choices and keep growing.

-mom

03.07.2021

More Than Words

When I was a little girl, I had grown people in my life make statements like, “A woman shouldn’t be president.  Women are too emotional. I’m a woman; I can’t imagine having to lead a country when I’m on my period.” I, as a child, respected those people, thought they knew more than me, and found myself absorbing and regurgitating those words.

When I was a teenager,  I had grown people in my life make statements like, “A woman shouldn’t be president.  A man should be head of the country,  because man is head of the church and head of the home, so God made men to lead. If there are qualified men, then a man should be in charge.” As a teenager, I respected those people,  thought they knew more than me, and found myself absorbing and regurgitating those words.

In my 20s, I was a headstrong, competent,  capable young woman with a mind for leading, a proven track record for organizing and building teams, and a vision for ministry.  Yet I was still internalizing, rationalizing, and regurgitating faulty, baseless, and harmful ideals about women in leadership.  I had internalized that because I was a woman, my strengths and gifts had been somehow mitigated by my DNA.

But the older I got, the more I realized that in society and in scripture, women are not only equipped for, but appointed to leadership roles. As a wife who has been loved, nurtured, admired, and respected for more than 20 years by a strong, Godly man who has walked by my side and was never threatened by my gifts, I have recognized that women are not only capable and called, but also often the most competent and qualified person to lead. Women successfully plan meals, manage budgets, negotiate domestic peace treaties, and overseee health and wellness, and that is just in their own homes. Many times that is on top of their full-time careers.

Those people who said those things when I was a little girl were wrong. Categorically,  scientifically,  they were wrong. A woman’s period is not a hinderance to anything other than her wallet due to all the clothes she ruined and the pads/tampons she had to buy…and pay taxes on <<insert eyeroll here>>.

Those people who tried to teach me about women in the church were wrong too. We don’t have to split hairs about women’s roles in ministry.  That isn’t what this is about. This is about acknowledgment that we have to do better about the messages we tell young people.  I was told by too many people that my leadership gifts should only go so far and should be kept in check because it would lead to a spirit of rebellion against male authority.  We have to do better.

It is a phenomenal achievement that a woman will be Vice President.  This isn’t a political post. Regardless of where you are on the political spectrum, this is a phenomenal accomplishment. Because women are equipped to lead. Women are called to lead. Women are capable of leading. And women are, very often, the most qualified for such a time as this. What makes women unique from men also may provide exactly what is needed in a church, organization, business, or nation to find success. To find solutions. To find hope and healing.

Don’t be afraid to tell boys and girls that it’s a great accomplishment that a woman is in charge. In spite of all the messages she has been told, she has risen to the top. Be bold. Elevate this moment regarding the VP even if you don’t agree with her politics. The messages you speak now matter.

what doesn’t kill you…

There is a poster on the wall going into the fieldhouse where I work. It says,

“Pain is only weakness leaving the body.”

I had to pass by it a few times before I really stopped to think about it. I get it. It’s an inspirational quote about enduring pain in order to bring about our strength. And it got me thinking about pain on a bigger level. I started to think about what pain was and wasn’t. And ultimately about personal pain.

pain

/pān/

  1. physical suffering or discomfort caused by illness or injury.

There is something very interesting about pain. What’s interesting is that it’s not the thing. What I mean is that we give pain a lot of focus and attention, but pain is really just a sign of something else.

…It is a signal that something is wrong.

…That a system is failing.

…That there is a malfunction of some sort and it is sending out a distress notice

And for the pain-in-the-butt that it is to deal with, it actually is a helper…without it, we most often would never know there is a problem.

The Kill

But we avoid pain at all cost. In fact, as a culture, we’re obsessed with feeling good and living pain-free. We want all gain, no pain. In truth, and if we’re honest, we can be so single-minded in pursuit of a painless life, that we let it affect our faith as well.

I know personally this has been true for me. I have been walking through a very difficult and painful season. And my first and consistent response has been to kill the pain. Smother it. Move past it. Ignore it. Numb it away.

The result? Not the intended “ridding myself” of the pain, but instead a fair amount of bitterness that the discomfort kept returning…and each time worse than the time before. I have been overcome with feelings of frustration at swallowing the bitter pills of avoidance only to watch it return. And each time without taking a closer look at what was causing it.

Breaking Through

Remember, pain reveals. It points to and exposes. And sometimes it takes a very painful experience or set of experiences to expose a very deep wound or very deeply protected problem. Most often it’s those deepest, hidden issues that keep us from moving forward.

But here is what I found.

What I have found is that I had to experience great pain in order to experience a breakthough. Because sometimes it’s the punch that knocks you out that finally shatters the wall that has been holding you back.

That’s not what I wanted. I don’t think that any of us set out looking for a knock-out punch to land us on our behinds. But sometimes we need to actually feel a pain so deep that we can finally be broken and open enough to see what’s going on deep beneath the surface and deal with it.

God in Brokenness

I have heard it said that in God’s economy, the way up is down. What God is teaching me through my own brokenness it that it is necessary to endure the grave if we are to fully realize the resurrection.

You and I will never experience revival in our lives until we first open up to Him in our brokenness. That is the heart of what we read about in the book of James:

Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you (James 4:8–10).

This is not a message that we are usually excited about hearing. Instead of removing pain, we are told to take it on.

I thought my problem was that I was sad and depressed and needed to find my happy place again. But what I am learning is that I had been living for a long time in a place of self-exaltation and I was desperately in need of some humility and a new reliance upon Him.

My heart has been so broken, but it is through this that I have begun to experience a new awakening of my soul.

My brokenness became the shattering of my self-will and the complete surrender of my will to the will of God. My brokenness began the process of undoing the self-reliance I had been clinging to and correcting my posture before God. And as the walls of control came down and I began to be broken over my pride, I met God in a whole new way. It was only then that my strength of faith began to return and the pain began to ease.

Is anyone else walking through a painful season? It is not an easy one. But my prayer is that I can learn to embrace the painful seasons as necessary to break down strongholds in my life. Just as the way up is down, the way to strength is brokenness. So even now, Lord break me even more.

-jewels