// speak the truth, even if your voice shakes //

A few days ago, a dear old friend of mine posted an article that immediately got my attention.  It was written about a particular state of affairs within the church.  A tendency to look at the culture we live in and lament, “Sure wish things were like the good ol’ days.  These days we’re going to hell in a hand basket.” Well, those weren’t his exact words, but that was the sentiment.  That we as a church need to stop using fear of the culture and America’s moral decline as a means of spreading the Gospel and actually start living the Gospel.  At least that’s what I took from it.  And I agree. Wholeheartedly. And wish I had written it myself.

Of course, I reposted it, and as things tend to do, a discussion followed on my Facebook wall.  All in all it was interesting and thought provoking and essentially challenging from the standpoint of others putting in their 2 cents and having a healthy discussion.  But the conversation that I had with my husband after reading him some of the comments is what really got me thinking.

I started to think about this blog, in fact.  The fact that it has taken me well over 3 years to restart blogging.

First, I stopped because I really hated how my old blog looked (vanity of all vanities). 

Then I went back to school (I think that was my way of procrastinating from restarting my blog…I earned a degree, though!)

Then I had another kid (again…here with the intentional writing distractions).

Then I went back to school…again (Grad school, you know. Mommy’s gotta be educated too!)

And then you want to know what happened? I started to be afraid.  I started to wonder why I ever started writing in the first place.  I started thinking that there was nothing that I could say that hadn’t already been said (probably still true). I started listening to a seed of doubt deep, down inside that at some point in all the procrastinating had started to grow up.  I started to believe that my voice didn’t matter. And so I would write…but never hit publish.

I know this is the point where I am supposed to tell you that I have had some grand epiphany.  But that part’s not coming.  There is no grand epiphany.  Not really.  There’s just a simple conversation with my husband and a realization that I don’t know it all.  That’s it.  I don’t know all there is to know under the sun.  I don’t know all there is to know about raising kids. I don’t know all there is to know about being married.  I don’t know all there is to know about the Bible and I certainly do not know all there is to know about God.

But I do know Jesus. 

I do know that He is the way, the truth, and the life. Period. 

Me? I get things twisted sometimes.  I love the Church and I love people.  I get frustrated when people complicate things.  I get frustrated when people start making peripheral issues, central.  I get frustrated when my Starbucks isn’t right and a whole host of other things!  I’m not perfect. Not even close.  And I don’t know all there is to know.  But I must write.

God has wired me a particular way.  I work things out as I talk them out…or write them out.  But not knowing everything is scary.  Thinking differently about particular subjects that I used to feel very confident about is scary.  Knowing that others may not agree with me is scary.  I’m not a person who likes to be scared.  But I am a person who likes to write.

And though my voice may shake, I will speak.  And I will be okay with everyone not agreeing with me all the time, or any of the time.  We don’t have to always agree. I am not writing to make you happy (although, if you’ve made it this far, I do thank you for sticking with me!)  So here it is. A blog with my name on it. My blog. In just a moment, I will hit “publish” and that will be scary. But’s that’s okay, too.

I am writing because I must.  I am writing because even if I have nothing to say that hasn’t been said, that’s okay. Someone once said, “Truth is truth regardless of man’s attitude towards it or understanding of it.”  Even if I don’t know everything there is to know, that doesn’t change that there is truth to be known.

So I’m writing to speak truth and I’m writing to seek truth.

Make me to know your ways, O Lord;
    teach me your paths.
Lead me in your truth and teach me,
    for you are the God of my salvation;
    for you I wait all the day long. -Psalm 25:4-5

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