I just returned home from a trip to the grocery store.  I went to get bread for dinner. Here is what I managed to bring home:

1. Garlic Bread.

2. Blueberry Bagels.

3. Box of Buttermilk Waffles.

4. Loaf of Multigrain Bread.

5. Package of Bakery Cake Slices.

Okay, I did get some eggs, too.  But y’all, I promise you, that cake was not on my list and I didn’t even realize I had it till I was unpacking the grocery bag! Besides, the cake, though, is anyone detecting a theme here?

I won’t lie; I think I’m feeding my feelings a heavy dose of carb-love tonight.  Anyone else do that?  I have had a rough day.  We have had a rough day.  Less than one month into our new lives here in Texas, and we have been dealt our first big blow.  It’s a big one.  Texas-sized, you might say.  We are really feeling it, too.  It’s not like we thought that once we got here everything was going to be smooth sailing.  But this situation sort of showed up unannounced and knocked us off our feet.

I’m not sure what’s worse: living in a state of near-constant frustration and disappointment or riding a high of peace, contentedness, and hope and have a situation come along that disrupts that.  On the one hand, who wants to be constantly frustrated and disappointed and feel as though there is little you can do but accept it and work on your own outlook.  I mean, that’s pretty sucky; let’s be honest.  But when you’re in that space, a big heartbreak is just part of the journey.  You’re used to it.  You’re numb to it.  You are already in coping mode, so you cope.

On the other hand, I cannot think of a feeling worse than the pound of your heart slamming to the ground from a mile high.  But, hey, you were riding high for a moment, so there’s that.

Anyway, here we are.  And I am reminded again just how feeble we are.  I am reminded of how people can let you down over and over.  I am reminded of how we fail others and ourselves more times than we’d like to admit.  I am reminded that we are broken as people.  We make decisions that are based in fear, selfishness, and carelessness and often guise them as “prayerful” ones.  We look to ourselves for insight when we should be looking above.  And when we should be ashamed and remorseful, we rest in our own pride.  I’ve done it.  So it takes one to know one, you see.  But it really hurts to be on the other side of that pain.

This is the point where I am tempted to spit out a bunch of clichés about God and His goodness and faithfulness to us.  You know the ones.  We’ve all heard them before.

God is good; all the time. 

God is faithful to finish what He started. 

What God brought you to, He’ll bring you through. 

And you know what.  They are true.  All of them.  But they are not enough.  Clichés are not enough.

What I am really thinking about tonight is me.  I know God.  But what I’m realizing is that I don’t really know me.  I think I have my eyes on Him.  I think I walk by faith.  I think that I rely on Him.  I am wrong.  I don’t.  And the evidence of that is all over circumstances like the one we are currently experiencing and how deep it cuts.

So tonight, I am soothing this cut with a carb-bandaid and taking a hard look at whether my actions match my words.  I am asking God to dig in even deeper and show me what I’m really made of.  That’s scary because I can see clearly that the more I ask that of Him, the more He does so, and it. is. painful.

I see now that regardless of what has happened, it’s the depth of pain that I am experiencing that is revealing to me where my heart lies.  He is showing me that it is the precise level of pain which shows me just how much I have allowed myself to rely upon anything and everything more than I rely on Him.

Lord, this pain is deep. But use it to give me a deeper strength to let go of anything which captures my heart more than You…

…and also the strength to stop after just one slice of my Walmart cake.

-jewels